SHINING LIGHT INTO DARK CORNERS Two daughters return to China BY VAL FREE Recently I took my two daughters, both born in China, back to the place(s) where they had lived before my husband and I adopted them. Li was almost five years old at the time of her adoption in 1992, and came from Guangdong Province just outside of Guangzhou. Tian was 2 years old and came from Jiangxi Province. Both of them came from conditions that were far less than ideal, less even than the conditions we now see in Chinese orphanages. For the most part, conditions are improving in the orphanages where adoptions to foreigners are allowed. Of course, there are still many orphanages throughout China that do not allow adoptions, where the babies are not cared for well, and where medical and emotional issues remain untreated. There are still so many babies and young children who are not adopted and brought into a new life with a family to love them. My daughters are among the lucky ones who survived the system and then found their family at last, for which we give thanks each day. Returning to China was a difficult decision for my oldest daughter, Li, now 10 1/2 years old. She has been watching her young sister Tian, age 6, travel with me back and forth to China for about 2 years now. Since we founded an international adoption agency, our family talks about adoption a lot, and I often travel with the adopting families to China to assist with the adoption process. Two or three times each year since Tian was 4 we have traveled together on these trips, and she loves it. We travel well together, enjoying the adventure, loving the babies, and reconnecting with the man who assisted in my family’s adoption of Tian. China now feels like very familiar territory to both of us. Still, Tian had not been back to see her own orphanage, or her foster mother and the others who took care of her before she was adopted. For Li, she had more memories of China and many of them were not good. Since she had been there for so long she had more to miss, too, when she was adopted. Preferring more routine in her life than her little sister, Li likes staying at home and having “her things” around her. Traveling anywhere is a little more difficult for Li- up until recently traveling to China was out of the question. Both girls were offered the choice to go to China with me on this recent trip, where I accompanied families who were adopting their babies from Jiangxi Province where Tian was born. Since I knew the families would start their adoption journey there, and then finish up in Guangzhou close to where Li had come from, I decided it might be time to offer to take them both back in time, to revisit their pasts. For Li, it would be an opportunity to heal some old hurts, and for Tian perhaps a time to hug her foster mom whom she loved dearly for the first two years of her life. They both decided to go. About two weeks before we were to leave, I noticed different behavior around the house. Tian was getting excited, as she often does before a trip. She began to talk about the food in China, the hotels we would be staying in, the babies and the families. Anticipation! However for Li, there was nervousness, getting into trouble at school, and some old behaviors that were present when she first came to us- sneaking, a few lies, hypervigilance to things around her. After about a week or so of this, my husband Dick and I finally pulled her aside and had a talk with her about whether or not she really wanted to go to China. She was able to express her intense nervousness at that time, and said that she had changed her mind about going. We told her that she did not ever have to go back to China if she didn’t want to, or that if she went this time she did not have to go back to her orphanage. No strings attached. Our love was there for her no matter what she decided to ever do about her roots in China. Following a hunch, the last thing I did before ending the talk that night was tell her exactly what we would be doing in China each day, if she did decide to go. I told her about arriving in Hong Kong, staying in the hotel there, waking up the next morning and then going on to Guangzhou and the orphanage city. I told her that she and her sister and I would be sharing a room and that we would have the same room each night for several nights in each city, where we could have our “home base” and where we could play games and watch TV. I let her know that even though we were traveling and that this was her first time back to China, we could have some routine and some comforts along the way. Then of course there are the babies! Li is not normally interested in babies, she prefers young toddlers that she can really play and interact with (like her sister). Still, she was curious about the babies, and interested in the adoption part of the trip after hearing a little more about it. After hearing the description of the trip and a little more about the new babies, she changed her mind again and decided to go. Clearly, her ambivalence was showing up in all kinds of ways, but she was able to feel much better after she so clearly chose to go that second time. Soon, we were done with preparations and travel meetings, and we and the rest of the group were ready to get on the airplane. The four movies en route helped to pass the time and were important distracters for both girls. When we arrived in China it was late and we were tired but I could feel the energy building for both girls! We had a great first night and were rested and eager to start out the next day. We had breakfast with the group and then boarded the airplane that would eventually take us to the city where the babies were, Nanchang. The group was in high gear, we worked and laughed well together, and excitement mounted as we arrived in Nanchang and then waited for the time when the babies would be brought to us at the hotel there. There is nothing that compares to the anxious excitement and wonder as adopting parents wait for their new baby to arrive. We all feel it for each of the families, and as the children were brought to the hotel everyone in the group was present to witness the miracle as the new families were brought together! My girls enjoyed this part tremendously. I saw so much in their eyes as they witnessed the families coming together- the magic of the moment, the wonder as the babies were first touched and held, the questions about where the babies came from and where they are going now in their lives. Its a lot to take in for such young children, especially children who had been on the other side of this process at one time! After we were in Nanchang for a few days and the adoption work for the families was done, we went with our Coordinator to visit Tian’s foster mom and the orphanage where she lived for the first two years of her life. She was very excited to see it all. A last minute problem almost stopped the trip and Tian cried so much the Coordinator doubled his efforts and managed to correct the problem and arrange the trip out to the orphanage once again. After about an hour’s drive, we arrived at the orphanage. It looked the same to me, surprisingly. I expected that in the intensity of that original visit when I went to meet my new daughter I would have missed a lot about the physical surroundings, but I was glad to find a familiarity in my mind about the place, the workers there, and of course Tian’s foster mother. We spent a wonderful afternoon there with hugs all around, and had a banquet given in our honor. This was the first time an adopted daughter from America had come back to see the orphanage, one that does a lot of adoptions in China. They were very excited to see Tian and her family, and to know that the adopted children are doing so well. We visited, talked about our original visit there and after promises to write back and forth we made the trip back to the hotel. What a successful reunion it was! Tian was beaming all day. After our work was done in Nanchang we all flew to Guangzhou to finish the adoption work there. Things went smoothly and when the time was right we arranged for a visit to Li’s orphanage, about a half hour drive from Guangzhou. Li was much more nervous in the car on the way to the orphanage than Tian had been, but she wanted to go and was also excited. We had prepared for the trip- Li had written a letter to the orphanage director, had several carefully chosen gifts to give her, and had brought photographs of our home and family life in America. We had also discussed questions that Li had for the orphanage Director and the workers there, questions she had about how she once lived, where she eaten and played, and where she had once learned to sing and dance. When we arrived the Director was there to greet us, and so were several of the workers who had known Li. They were all smiles. Li could hardly wait to give the gifts and there was much excitement as hugs were exchanged and gifts were given, and our Coordinator helped with translations. All of the staff commented on how tall and beautiful Li had become. One thing she had worried about was how the women would greet her- Li takes her time to warm up to people and does not appreciate the loud, “in your face” style of the workers from Tian’s orphanage. I had reassured her that in her orphanage home this would not be the case- the people there were more reserved. Thank goodness this turned out to be true! In fact, Li was the most outgoing of all. She was very present to the situation as we were given a tour, and shown exactly where she once had lived and interacted with the other children and staff at the orphanage. We were graciously offered the chance to see the original rooms where Li had lived, dispelling a lot of Li’s memories of dark corners and long, empty hallways. The rooms were bright and the echoes of laughing children were loud as we walked all over the grounds and into the various buildings that day. I have never seen Li able to be as present as she was that day. She did not wilt, she did not go inside herself, instead she took in everything and asked her questions with confidence. The visit for her was extremely important. Afterwards, on the way out of the orphanage back in the taxi, we agreed that we would never again think of her orphanage as dark and lonely. To her that day, it became a place full of light and laughter. These thoughts filled her heart that day. She had been given a real gift- part of her past had come back to her bathed in light and love instead of blackness and fear. She was obviously full and more complete for days afterward. Since our return home, we have continued to talk about the events on this trip for both Tian and Li. I know that Li, in particular, is still processing what happened at the orphanage that day. More layers are coming out as she is able to verbalize about things. Some surprises: there is anger at herself for remembering the orphanage as a terrible place, there is wondering about what it would have been like to stay there instead of being adopted. Some nice results of her trip there include a new and better impression of her birth country in general, new feelings of care for her orphanage Director and the other workers there, and a firsthand look at families coming together through adoption. She now has a new interest in babies! She has discovered how playful they can be and loves to babysit. She can also share with her sister the experiences of being in their birth country together- a new and very special bond between them. I will undoubtedly experience more of Li’s layers as feelings about her adventures in China continue to be worked through and then expressed. In all I think it was a wonderful and exciting time for both Li and Tian, and a trip that they will each remember forever. What a gift to be able to go back in time, to revisit such an important time in their lives, and to discover how loved and cared for they were. I hope that every adopting parent will consider making this trip with their child(ren) someday. It is not without its ups and downs, and as I say I think more will bubble to the surface in the months ahead, but I believe that it was definitely a positive thing for my daughters to have made this trip. For us, shedding light on the darkness of the past can do nothing but enhance their lives and complete a circle for all of us. _________________________________________ Val Free, MFCC, is the Executive Director / Co-Founder of Heartsent Adoptions, Inc., 15 Altarinda Road, Suite 100, Orinda, California 94563 ph (925) 254-8883. She and her husband Dick started the Parents’ Warmline to address issues of older child adoptions. Feel free to call Val or Dick at Heartsent E mail us Heartsent Home Page Articles About Adoption