ENHANCING ATTACHMENT A Bird’s Eye View Reprinted from the Families With Children From China Newsletter 1997. by Val Free (Director, Heartsent Adoptions, Inc. and adoptive mom) We call our daughter “Bird”. This has been her nickname for a long time, very soon after she joined our family in 1992, after spending almost five years in a Chinese orphanage. The name conjures many things that fit for Li: the bird who is hypervigilant, ever-aware of potential harm and quick to take flight in times of apparent danger, the bird who can soar and sing when life is happy, and the bird who has the “eye”, or perspective that sometimes others don’t have. In her case, Li’s broader perspective includes an early life in the orphanage, where children were crowded together amidst deafeningly loud voices that echoed in the huge rooms, where it was cold, where there were quick and startling reprimands followed by a swat with a bamboo pole, and where there were small bowls of watery soup that left her continually hungry. She survived. In the Spring/Summer FCC Newsletter, my husband, Dick, wrote about Li in an article he entitled “The Gift of Love”. He wrote about his love for her, and about our family’s journey together in those first few years of her joining us. Here I will offer a “bird’s eye view”, or the rest of the story. Li has her own perspective of how those early experiences shaped her, how she came to join us, and how she has managed to turn into a beautiful swan in this, her ninth year. Hopefully someday she can write about her perspective, offering all of us a firsthand glimpse into the orphanage experience in China. As her adoptive mother, I have been at her side as she has struggled to make sense of life and learn a whole new set of values. I have also come to learn about attachment, bonding, and ways to make progress even when hope is sometimes nowhere in sight. Research about attachment and early development show that most of the major psychological damage that occurs from early disruptions of bonding get worked out through the mother or mother- figure. As Li’s adoptive mom, I have seen great differences in how she feels and acts towards me than how she feels and acts towards her father. She needed him to be safe and protective. She LET him provide that base for her. With me, at first, Li did not so easily allow the love that I had to offer. She seemed to have the need to more directly process her grief, anger and sadness with me. Our relationship has been more stormy over the four years she has been here, and more intense in the positive ways as well. Although I knew about attachment issues in general, and did my best to do the obvious attachment and closeness-building that we all do in our families (methods which worked with our other children), I did not so readily see that Li was suffering from a mild to moderate form of AD until this past year. Her symptoms were mild and they only sporadically appeared. She did display many of the classic symptoms, though, once I figured out that we were dealing with AD and began looking harder for signs of it. (See the enclosed list for symptoms of AD). Once I finally realized what was going on, I was able to focus on how to help her and together we have made tremendous progress in the past twelve months. I have learned much about how attachment works, how early life experiences need to be worked through, and how to best be there for Li when the more obvious ways to encourage trust and love don’t work. One of the best techniques I have found to help Li is basically a holding technique. We all know that our children need to be held and nurtured, read to and cuddled. What I learned about in my study of attachment disorder was a more focused way of holding, one where the holder maintains eye contact using a specific kind of touch as discussed in Martha Welch’s book called Holding Time. Li and I began using the basic methods of holding, following the Holding Time model, in early Spring of 1996. I noticed immediate changes. Instead of our marathon talking sessions, where Li would seemingly go through every emotion she had about whatever subject we were discussing until she could soften and “let me in”, we were able to connect in deep and loving ways within the first 10-15 minutes of the holding. She responded quickly to the holding time, allowing her feelings to flow more freely and completely between us. She was learning to yield, to trust, to allow herself to be nurtured. We made special time for holding, softening the lights and making certain that we were not interrupted. We would try different times of day, different positions, talking vs. not talking, and we had fun with it. I have improvised over the months, adding things that work in particular for Li depending upon what is going on at that time in our lives. Sometimes it has been helpful to just hold her with no words, no noise. Other times she has responded to basic affirming messages like “I’m so glad you were born”, or “I will always love you”. When these words are said at the time her heart is most open, she allows them in and fills up with love. I can see the transformation. For a girl who was always hungry, for love as well as food, she is now filling up and acting from this place of abundance at last. What I have learned is that this and other methods of holding have allowed Li to work through many of her earliest life experiences, and probably we will continue this work together for a long time to come. Once I figured out how to best respond to her needs, through focused touch and holding, we could join together to do this work. Memories have surfaced, feelings long buried have come out into the light . Li has changed dramatically this past year. She is more spontaneous and trusting, she is doing better in school, she is making real friends for the first time since she came to us- friendships where there can be tears and laughter, where she can stay and experience the richness of life with others and not be too afraid to share her fears and thoughts with them. This is real progress for her. I see today a more balanced and centered person in Li, not the scared and untrusting little girl who felt empty inside for so many years. Learning to be held and then to open up has allowed Li to experience real trust for the first time. It’s like she finally tested me (us) and I (we) came through enough that she can trust enough to relax deep inside at last. Such a basic thing, taking a breath from down deep inside. Finally, Li is able to do more than just survive, she is able to live. Val Free, MFCC, is the Executive Director/ Co-Founder of Heartsent Adoptions, Inc., 15 Altarinda Road, Suite 100, Orinda, Ca. 94563 (925) 254-8883. She and her husband started the Parents’ Warmline to address issues of older child adoptions. Feel free to call Val or Dick at Heartsent or fax to (925) 254-8866. Symptoms of Attachment Disorder Attachment Disorder is a condition in which individuals have difficulty forming loving, lasting, intimate relationships. Attachment disorders vary in severity, and the symptoms as presented below also vary in degree and times of occurrence. The term “attachment disorder” has historically been reserved for individuals who show a nearly complete lack of ability to be genuinely affectionate with others. They often fail to develop a conscience and do not learn how to trust. Children with attachment disorder will have some or many of the following symptoms: Superficially engaging and charming lack of eye contact indiscriminately affectionate with strangers lacking ability to give and receive affection (not cuddly) extreme control problems (“sneaky”) destructive to self and others cruelty to animals chronic, crazy lying little or no impulse controls learning lags and disorders lacking cause and effect thinking abnormal eating patterns poor peer relationships incessant chatter inappropriately demanding and clingy abnormal speech patterns feeding problems, such as rumination, regurgitation, vomiting sleep disturbances sensitivity to touch and sound Adjust the degree of symptoms according to the degree of attachment disorder for a specific child, and experiment with a variety of methods to enhance attachment for your child if symptoms are present. This is not “incurable”! If you know what you are dealing with, there is a clear way to assist your family. You can get to a more trusting place with your child. E mail us Heartsent Main Page Articles About Adoption