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The Folly of Pursuing the Perfect Child
by Chris Kukka
Reprinted with the permission of the author, Chris Kukka and Maine
Families with Children from Asia
Several years ago, when I was just starting the China adoption
process, a friend asked “Can you be sure the child will be healthy?”
“Oh yes”, I assured her. “They say all the children put up for
adoption are healthy, and you get a medical report”. For all we
had gone through to try to create a baby, surely fate could play
no more tricks on me. I would have this reassuring medical report
that would give me a small sense of control over an adoption process
that left me feeling wildly out of control.
Despite her clean bill of health in China, my daughter has hepatitis
B.
Today, I am profoundly thankful that three years ago the medical
evaluation failed to pick up those minuscule viral agents in her
body. If offered a child with hepatitis B, I might never have
adopted her, never have known her, never have loved her. My loss
would have been unspeakable. I think about this sometimes when
a prospective parent asks me in great detail about the chance
that his or her future child from China might have hepatitis.
I think about it when I hear someone has turned down a referral
from China because the child lacked a finger, or had a cleft palate.
Now don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting a
healthy child. But set aside some quiet time to think carefully
about what your hopes and expectations are. Clearly, you must
have plenty of financial, emotional, and physical resources to
raise a child with a severe disability. Some of us have it and
some don’t.
But now venture into a gray area. Consider a child with a missing
finger or eye, or one who experienced malnutrition or lack of
stimulation that may cause long-term development delays or lower
IQ scores. Think of a child who has hepatitis, which can remain
asymptomatic for years and against which Asians seem to be quite
resilient.
What is acceptable and what isn’t, and why?
As a prospective parent, I folded up like a cheap lawn chair under
this scrutiny simply because I didn’t want to experience the pain
of watching my child endure ridicule, special challenges, and
problems. As a parent-in-waiting, I wanted a near-perfect-as-I-could-manage-it
parenthood experience, and my future parenthood world required
a perfect child, at least at the starting gate.
But the world is full of surprises and sharp corners: they are
what give us humility, strength, and appreciation of those fleeting
moments of sunlight and happiness. In parenting, whether by birth
or adoption, joy is often just a few small steps from sorrow.
Despite our desire for a smooth and easy path in life, all of
us must be our children’s advocates, warriors, and role models
when the going gets tough in the neighborhood, at the day care
center, or in school. Those skirmishes can be over cultural, racial,
or educational issues, and- no doubt about it- those challenges
become more frequent when your child has a health, learning, or
emotional issue. But all children, I've learned, come with problems
as well as great joy.
When I adopted, I wanted a child whom I could fill up with love
and who would hopefully love me and need me as much as I needed
her. I got what a wanted and more. I learned love becomes all
the more powerful when there is no pretense of perfection and
no guarantees- just blind love for the child fate has given you.
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