GOING BACK
Journal from Vietnam, 2001

The long plane trip, although by now quite familiar to me, is somehow new each time. I realized as we were taking off that the last time I flew to Vietnam, the trip had been so difficult- on that trip I went with my daughter Tian, then 5, and my friend and Board member, Joy. Together we traveled to Vietnam on a mission to start our own adoption program there. What we found was a wild mix of people, sights and sounds, and a fast paced schedule that did not allow time for us to process what we were seeing and feeling. Combine all of this with a dizzying confusion of agreements and business inconsistencies, promises and money lost, extreme poverty conditions and desperate newborn babies, and at our trip's end we were all exhausted, deepened, and transformed. That trip used everything we had. Each of us felt profoundly touched by the country and the people, and especially convinced of our role there- to help the babies who needed families to love them. What actually came of that trip was a deep connection we made with one amazing place in Vietnam, the Village of Hope. Going back there was the purpose of this trip back to Vietnam- to renew our friendships there, to continue our support of this haven amidst the streets and street life of central Vietnam, started some four year earlier, and to once again be with my beloved foster son, Duc.

So, here on the plane that would once again carry me and my traveling companions back to Vietnam, my thoughts went back to that first trip, and I must confess some angst about facing the scene again.

I have been all over the world by now, and have seen many orphanages, social welfare institutes and baby nurseries. Each has its own mix of hope and despair. Conditions vary widely among and even within countries, for the babies and the people who work there. Sometimes the space is small, the air is thick and the odors strong. There can be many workers to take care of the children, or very few. At times the workers look bored and vacant. Other times there are better conditions and workers who seem to be more caring about the little ones in their charge. I try to approach each new place with fresh eyes and an open spirit. I always think of the adopting families- what they will think and feel when they first see their child and the living conditions surrounding them, and how they must etch this scene in their minds forever, for the telling and retelling. I think of the world the babies live in, and deepen to allow the sights and sounds in more fully. I am often so very moved by the children who are left behind in these places...these are the faces I remember later, these are the children that keep me doing the hard work that we must all do at Heartsent to help the adopting families. I believe that there are children who must be left behind, children who should be left behind to grow up and give back to their community, their country and their people. It is important to remember these children and provide for them, too. If it is not possible to provide them with a loving family, we must do what we can to provide them with medicine, a betterment of their living conditions and a brighter future. We cannot presume to think that every child should leave their country, even if they do not grow up with the love of a parent or parents. It is undeniably the life path of some children to live and grow up in these institutions, and it is not our right to pity them, but it is our duty and obligation to help where we can so that when they do go out on their own they can have a better life.

Four years after my first visit to Hanoi, I am struck by the sameness of it now. Vietnam is a beautiful country, it is striking in its simplicity and ordinary way of life. People go about their daily lives and do not seem to mind the intrusion of foreigners as we take it all in. We simply join forces with the green rice paddies, the water buffalo and the busy-ness of daily life. On this trip, I was accompanied by my 15 year old son, Tanawan, as well as the Program Director of Heartsent, Erin Homertgen, and by one of Heartsent's social workers, Lori Severance. Collectively, we represented a spirit of hope and faith, and set out to find the heart of Vietnam in the 180 children of the Village of Hope. Before we would arrive at the Village, we would be able to visit one of the Hanoi area orphanages that most of our adopting parents receive their children from, and see some of Hanoi. The short trip to central Vietnam would follow, and our visit with the Village of Hope and my foster son.

How can I describe the Hanoi orphanage to someone who has not yet seen it? It is simple, walls of buttery ochre, circular baby rooms with open doorways surrounding a central room where workers and older children sit to eat and play. The air is thick with conflicting strong odors- incense, humidity, mold and urine. The rooms are clean and the space feels open and calm. The babies are bundled in brightly colored blankets, the workers smile easily. This is a good place. There is caring here, it is clear, and a willingness somehow. The babies are put together in cribs that hold up to four at a time, mats on the bottom and plain cement floors throughout the orphanage. Older children were also there, asking to be picked up which we eagerly did. Little arms around our necks, sweet laughter in our ears, it was a universal reaching out to each other that bridged the language and cultural gaps between us. Our visit there was short, but moving as always. We all needed to talk about our experience there once we returned to Hanoi city, and this processing was helpful for each of us as we struggled to make sense of the sights we witnessed, the babies we held, the work that we do to help them. After some time, we set out to explore the sights of Hanoi via cyclo.

Front the vantage point of a cyclo, one gets a firsthand and close-up view of Hanoi's traffic, beeping horns and the fast pace of all vehicles, motorized and not. In a cyclo you are first in line for near misses and oncoming traffic-not for the faint of heart. This is the way to see the old streets of Hanoi, the way of life in the streets, the morning and afternoon rituals and meals. Afterwards, it was fun to walk around and slow the pace a little. Feeling the streets under our feet we had a different way of feeling the life of this city and its people. We had a great experience with our cyclo drivers, and got to know some of their life history by the time we left Hanoi.

On the short flight between Hanoi and central Vietnam, we thought about the Village of Hope and our mission there. We had a lot of donations to give, mostly toys and other supplies for the children, but we were also told to expect a tour of the Village, dinner with the children and staff, and a musical performance given by the children in our honor. Since we have been donating to the Village for several years, and exchanging letters and photos with the children there, we felt already at home with the community. Still, we did not expect the huge reception we received at the airport! Flowers, children, my foster son, the Director and Translator, and such big smiles I have never seen! All of us were awestruck by the overwhelming welcome. This feeling continued when we arrived at the Village of Hope and for me, I once again saw the children and colorful life there. For my son and Erin and Lori, it was especially surprising to see the brightly colored buildings, the structured and orderly routines of the children, and the smiles of the children who we sponsor there. These children eagerly reached for our hands, and immediately accepted us into their fold. We were, in this way, urged to dance with them as they celebrated receiving the many toys and games we were able to bring. All 180 of the children and staff, and all of us in our contingent, danced and sang, played games and laughed, and generally enjoyed being with each other until it was time to eat dinner. Dinner was a bounty of rice and chicken, vegetables and noodles- truly wonderful! It was touching to be with everyone, we sat at the table of our foster son. Duc, being the oldest of his table, is the head of his "family" of children. He takes care of them, is in charge of keeping the order and helping with the food, and helps with clearing and cleaning.

The biggest surprise to me was my response to Duc. For four years I have been writing to him, through our mutual translators. I have heard him deepen in his thoughts and ability to express himself, and I have felt an increase in his trust for me as he put his thoughts to paper over the years. At times I would wonder if this was the same young boy I met four years ago, shy and so gentle. But seeing him again made me know that the words that came to me over the miles were truly his, and the thoughts were those of a young man who had become worried about his future and his true family, still living in Saigon. Since Duc stayed with us at our hotel while we were there, we came to know him over the two days we were together. We all started out being a little tentative with each other, his English is coming along but it is not yet easy to make conversation. We had to rely on other ways to communicate. As the time went on, we became more familiar with each other and began to play. He is very playful, and this seemed like a good way to get to know each other. First he went off with my son, Tanawan, and the two of them did what most teenaged boys do- found what sports there were to play. We were staying on China Beach- it was spectacular-and there were many things to do right away given our setting. Soon we were all playing frisbee, then badminton, and throughout our hours of play we began to laugh and tease each other. I cannot say how or when I came to know how much I love this boy, but it was very apparent as I was having to get ready to leave him. How can someone love so much a person who they only met once, four years earlier and then communicated with through the mail? I cannot explain how this happens, I can only say that it is true. I have always offered to help Duc in any way that I can, if coming to America for studying, or just helping financially if he wants to stay in Vietnam....he is my son as surely as Tanawan is. Seeing the two of the them with each other so easily, laughing and teasing, arms around each other- there is no other way to be so filled up as this. It was very difficult to leave. The hardest thing I have done in a long time. We were both struck by the depth of feeling, surprised by it, overwhelmed. I knew I would have to come back soon, and made him a promise that I would.

Once we were back in Hanoi, Tanawan, Erin, Lori and I had time to talk about the experiences we had all shared. Each of us had been filled with the love of the Village of Hope, touched by the haven it is from the poverty surrounding it, and so struck by the opportunities for the children who live there. Their musical performance showed us how they are taught to love their culture, and appreciate its richness. We saw how they are taught to care for each other, and provide encouragement for further study and progress. These children grow up to be young men and women who know and appreciate all that their country has to offer, and are in a position to give back fully to their communities once they leave.

Leaving Hanoi, we landed once again in Hong Kong before making the long journey home. With its bright lights and fast pace, its richness and distance from the earthy everyday life of Vietnam, Hong Kong was shocking to us. We felt sad to leave Vietnam, and saddened more by what we knew was a transition place (Hong Kong) between it and the even faster pace of America. Of course these trips always make me think of how we live, what is important, how we can get back to basics and do the important work for humankind that we need to do, but they also bring with them some sadness for what is lost in our own culture. America has a lot to offer, but a lot to remember, too. It is always our hope after one of these trips that we keep in our hearts and minds the vision of those orphanage babies, the children and young men and women at Village of Hope, and the close-to-the-earth life of a simpler culture. We need to remember to do what we can where we can, and to do the adoption work as well as the support of places like the Village of Hope where the children are meant to stay and give back. This trip accomplished all of this and more- because whenever we are touched so profoundly, and surprised so much at how deeply we can love each other, we are offered the inspiration to do more. This is the thought we leave you with from the richness of our Vietnam experience: Do more! Do all that you can and more, to help and encourage, to love and extend, to deepen and be moved, to be big in the world and do more with your bigness. Go to extremes, reach new heights, and find someone or someplace to give your life to beyond what you think you do. We will all be the better for it.

Written by Val Free